DIY Village

Feeling isolated?

Living half way between no one you know and nowhere?

Have some key players in your world completely dropped the ball?

Driving an hour each way to catch up with a pal for a coffee?

Kids driving you around the bend?

Are your family and friends spread across the globe?

Is everyone you know ‘caught up’?

Afraid you’ll die surrounded by cats and empty pizza boxes?

Never fear, DIY Village is here. Within minutes, you can design and implement your very own village. Don’t worry, you can completely cut out the incompetent knobwads and replace them with people that care. People that CAN.

Here’s just a sample of some of the thousands of would-be Villagers we have on offer for you to choose from….

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AMY

Amy has a talent for organisation. Not does she like to alphabetize, colour- code, file, label and deal with all of her administration and accounting, she would get a real kick out of unpicking and sorting out your neglected stacks. Superannuation, insurance claims, tax, appointments. You name it. She’ll claim it and make sense of it and put it in some sort of gorgeous Kiki K accessory, so you know exactly what is going on. This one is a keeper.

BETTY-ANNE

Betty-Anne knows that a clear space enables clear thinking. She gets a real buzz out of tucking into all of those grubby corners you miss and making them shine. Bathrooms and enormous piles of washing are her specialty. Being a firm believer that cleanliness is next to Godliness, Betty-Anne loves to spread her message through practical application. She would just love to regularly sweep through your house, while you’re out and make everything perfect.

GIRL GAGGLE

Elle, Annie, Sarah and Charlotte are dedicated to providing you with a social life. If you are up for a blowing off a bit of steam on a Friday night, they’ll make it happen. Great wine, great times and great conversation. These girls will provide you with the perfect balance of giggles, reassurance, fun and meaningful connection. They are available in all shapes and sizes, so if you ever have a wardrobe crisis, they will most certainly be able to help. If for some reason you can’t get out, they will come to you, vino included, every time. And, if you’d prefer a healthier approach, they will gladly become a group of reliable and dedicated exercise buddies. You can motivate each other! Whatever you need, you can custom design your own gaggle of BFFs. Of course we have a range of blokey equivalents in Matt, Andy, Jimmy and Dan for the menfolk.

MR GOSLING

Oh. My. Gosling. Adding this man to your DIY Village is a sure fire way to boost your confidence. If you are craving for someone to notice and appreciate all of the details and efforts you make both personally and professionally, get a dose of Gosling in your life. Why hang around and wait for Mr Right to find you, when you can just have him shipped directly from our warehouse? One thing is for sure, Ryan understands. He just gets you. Completely. Not only that, he is incredibly articulate and present, he is, well, you know, not too hard on the eyes. For the lads, we have Jennifer Love-Hewitt on standby.

JANE

Your very own 24-hour-helpline pal, Jane is a qualified counseling psychologist. She is just super lovely and willing to drop whatever she is doing to discuss your latest crisis. She will come to the rescue using either her professional know how or her stand out qualities as a friend. She specializes in being particularly present, low maintenance and thoughtful during stressful transitory periods such as the lead up to your wedding, the arrival of your new baby or in the event of the ill health or death of a loved one. Jane will be right there on the journey with you and due to her powerful ESP skills, will know exactly what to say and do, without you even having to ask!

NIGELLA

Nigella understands that coming up with something for dinner everyday that is nutritious, easy to prepare and everyone will eat is tiresome and unrealistic when you’re pulling 80 work weeks. She also knows that eating take-out is not good for the hip pocket or the waste-line. That is why Nigella is delighted to spend all day cooking up sumptuous meals and desserts, so you can pop on over on your own or with your family and enjoy her daily spread. She would even love to teach you a few tricks and won’t mind if you lick the spoon! She also has plenty of pirax dishes to spare and can drop a steaming hot, delicious meal, directly to your doorstep.

SAM

No money to finish the renovations? Does your car live at the mechanics? Lawn mowing just getting too much? Is your husband a little unmotivated or accident prone, when it comes to using heavy tools? Well, look no further, Sam is a force of handyman fury. And if your computer is playing up, his tech’ savvy cousin, Callum is available for a limited buy one, get one free opportunity.

SUPER NANNY

What can we say about Super Nanny Jo? She will sort you and your kids out! Not only will she swoop in and iron out all of the discipline, sleep and potty training issues you have been wrestling your children with for years within a matter of days, she’ll be around to babysit, too. Super Nanny lives to ensure that your kids are fed well, educated and that their emotional needs are met, while you have a 60 minute shower, get that session of aerobics in you have been dying to make or blast away the cobwebs in your relationship with a hot date. She’ll never pike, is 150% trustworthy and be able to make it at the drop of a hat. Guaranteed!

SVEN

Sven is practicing for his Masters in Remedial and Relaxation Massage and he needs clients. He refuses to charge a cent. He will come to your place, anytime, he needs the experience to advance his techniques. If home isn’t so relaxing, he also works from the local Swedish Day Spa and you can get a free soak after Sven kneads out all the knots and Sven helps you discover your natural Zen state.

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Well what are you waiting for? Get our catalogue now and get designing your own Do It Yourself Village – with our help!

Call 1800-555-555, NOW.

The next 100 callers will get Barry the Live-in Barista a-b-s-o-l-u-t-e-l-y FREE!

Studies have shown the happiest people live in close community and have meaningful connections with others. Despair no longer at the irony of being completely isolated in a swarming city, now, you too can live a long happy and connected existence where life’s load is shared and enjoyed.

No need to move to Botswana to hire help. First world problems are still problems and we are here to provide you with the means to FIX them!

And remember, if there is a particular prototype you would like to create, you can design your very own. Just leave your requests below.

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mOther’s Day

I found you
in a valley
in a thicket
filled with briars.

It cut to take hold of you
and unravel you from the tangle;

a tiny shiny thing,
a glimmering seed,

You

took root in my heart,
opening a dormant chamber
filled with the music and mirrors
of life itself.

The Aurora Borealis
lit night in full spectrum,
as you grew into
flesh apart from mine.

Our umbilical connection remaining as
a guiding star of reason
beyond any doubt, or fear,
to forge a better way
to a better place;

To make you shine,
Always.